you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize