Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s