in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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