Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.