I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
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Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
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I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?