Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years