when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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