carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
