dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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