no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
