walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
