i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize