it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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