Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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