Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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