Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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