How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
