yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
