It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
