I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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