I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
