so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
