it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
