you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I could fuck to npr.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
