If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Alive.
So much puke
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
