Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
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Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
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Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
They have beer where we have blood.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.