White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
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I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
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You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.