Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
