guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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