tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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