she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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