I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
