i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
