i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
last night I used snow as a chaser
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
