Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
