when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
