So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
