My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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