I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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