2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
