thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
