i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
