I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
