a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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