Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
