just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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