mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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