You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
