I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
