he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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