So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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