Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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