we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
