somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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