I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.