I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
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We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
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This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.