I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
