lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
