Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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