I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.