How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything