So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in