No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
